Journal Entry: Joy, Sadness, and Everything In Between
An unsure teen trying to find connection
08 Sep 2015
I am content. I think I’m happy. I still don’t have anyone to talk to. I guess I’m just going to continue writing to you, then.
Today, I am an awfully unsure person. I am confident—I’m just never sure about anything. Honestly, I wish I could make a friend that I can talk to every day, and not be ignored by them. It just makes me so sad when I’m ignored. I thought we could be friends, but I guess if you’re not going to put in the effort, why should I even try?
There are all these possible options for friends, but I’m never sure who I should try to connect with. My perfect friend should be happy, spontaneous, smart, clever, silly, and just… supportive. They should be there to have my back when I have problems or troubles.
I guess my perfect lover could be that too. I don’t know. I feel like my lover should be my best friend, and we should always be happy to spend whatever time we have together. Yeah, that would be beautiful. I would really like that.
Today I bought the Arctic Monkeys’ album Favorite Worst Nightmare. I really like it; it’s very calming, and I want to go to sleep whenever I listen to it. I kind of have a headache right now, and I’m not sure why. On the album, there’s this song, Fluorescent Adolescent. It’s about how, when time passes, we age, and we have to leave our naïvety and immaturity behind.
The song is so peppy and happy, I wouldn’t think it was such a heavy song. Not depressing—more like heavy. By heavy, I mean it’s on a serious topic. I like songs like that. Songs that sound happy, but are actually quite sad. It kind of reminds me of me, actually. I don’t know how I feel about that.
I don’t know if I’m going to write that much today. I usually write so much, rambling about nonsense, just thinking. I wonder if people feel the same as me, wanting to make friends. Everyone is just so depressing.
I’d love to take someone by the hands and spin in a circle with them joyously. That would be so much fun. Just pure joy. I honestly don’t like just feeling nonchalant. It’s boring, and my mood varies too much when I’m nonchalant.
When my brother was being an asshole earlier today and took away my iPad to piss me off, I pretty much just waited for him to leave the room and started crying. I’m not sure why. I think I was crying because of all the stupid things I’ve ever done. I also think I cried for all the sadness in the world—all these overwhelmingly sad things—I just can’t.
Usually, I don’t show much emotion. I usually just ramble endlessly, overreacting over the most normal things. But, as I usually say, I’m not overreacting—they’re underreacting.
Life is so exciting and amazing. Joy can be found in everything around us. Someone arrives at school—it’s a call for joy. This person is alive, at school, not doing bad things. It’s amazing, really. I just love everyone and everything, even though sometimes I find a layer of hatred under all that love. But there’s probably more love underneath, and I’m probably just stressed.
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