22 Mar 2023
Nikolai Muchegian died in November 2022. I didn’t know he had died until five months after it had happened, actually. I just thought he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. He and I don’t have any pictures of us together, but he was an important part of my life and my growth since the moment I met him. I guess I’m writing this essay as a recording of my memories, to supplement the missing photos. His death was a shock to me, and I suppose that this essay is some sort of eulogy. I’ve never lost somebody like this before, and it is… uncomfortable at best, and terrifying at worst. I wish I could’ve gone to the funeral or even knew where he was buried. But I don’t, and so I cope.
Reverse Engineering Dating as a Game Of Pachinko
23 Jan 2023
There’s a distinction between complicated and complex in the context of the English language; complicated things carry the heavy implication of difficulty, while complex things do not. Interestingly, the opposite seems to be implied in the world of engineering. Complicated systems with complicated problems are predictable, while complex systems with complex problems are not. Understanding romantic relationships and how they form is both complicated and complex, in every sense of the word. I think this process can be likened to creating a topic model– extract latent themes and connections between individuals, and uncover the underlying structure of our interactions and emotions.
Written on a Plane
22 Mar 2022
I’ve never been to a place where it’s warm all the time. I’ve also never been on a vacation by choice, up until now. It had always been family vacations where I had no control over where we went and what we did; typically, we either ended up in Bumblefuck, Poland or somewhere in upstate New York. I didn’t really think I could afford a tropical vacation by myself but then I realized that my workaholic self actually made money during that internship I did last summer, and I remembered that money is earned to be spent. I’m glad I had a friend with whom I could go— if it wasn’t for her nudging, I doubt that I would’ve found the bravery to ever leave my basement. Spring break is such a major milestone of every college experience, and as a senior, it’s about time I literally choose to broaden my horizons.
My Thoughts on the 1984 Cult Horror Classic
30 Oct 2021
I like Nancy from Nightmare On Elm Street (1984). She’s sweet and yet strong; she’s characterized by bravery. Her character arc resonates with mine, I think. Freddy Kruger haunting the dreams of her and her friends makes me think of how I’ve been struggling with sleep recently, mostly just because of the day-to-day anxieties of being a college student and the typical wandering thoughts of a young woman who spends too much time alone.
Speaking to You from a Moment to Breathe
25 Oct 2021
Sometimes my thoughts are crisp and clear like certain, beautiful autumn mornings. I’ve been so busy recently, everything around me is shrouded in fog. And yet, these moments exist when my internal narrative begins to sound so clearly all of a sudden once again; and since people only do what they want, I find a moment to record these thoughts.
